I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
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