She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
