i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
