and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
