i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
