and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
