Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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