I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize