I accidentally had phone sex last night
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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