I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
