I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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