where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
farters have to be the big spoon...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
