I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
