my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Randomize
