Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
