Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
