I heard we made out
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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