things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
