she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
