I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
