Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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