I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
