yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
