New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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