my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
