I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
