i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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