So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my shit smells like andre
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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