i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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