If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
