I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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