we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize