The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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