I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
