If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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