I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Randomize