I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
