I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
