I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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