I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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