I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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