I need to stop coming to work sober
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
