It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
