hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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