i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
