i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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