idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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