He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
