When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
