i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
