I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Randomize