Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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