It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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