a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
