I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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