and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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