# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
